Worst Break Up Ever
by lumae
Summary: A story based on the outcome of 11x21
1. Chapter 1

So I had to do this.

* * *

She arrived at the hospital, she had called her home for all those years and as she walked through the doors, it finally hit her, her life had changed forever. It would never be the same, it would never be the same with out him. Time had stopped as his heart stopped beating the night before. He had promised her a life time, but as fate would have it, that was not a promise he had control of. Everything was different, everything had changed, in a moment, life as she had known it had ceased to exist. She had dropped the kids of at day care because she wanted them to have just a moment of normalcy in a world, that for them, would never be normal again.

"Hey Meredith, I've been trying to call you all morning, your late and Derek has not shown up for his shift, Amelia needs to go home.?" Owen said, surprised to see the agony that plagued her face.

"Derek is dead" Meredith said, the tears she had been trying to hide from her, their, her, children, finally found the whole in the dam and broke free.

"What!" Owen said, shocked surprised, unable to comprehend the words that had slipped through Meredith's mouth, he ushered Meredith into a near by room.

"What happened?" Owen asked, handing Meredith a tissue, Meredith did not take the tissue a tissue was not going to help.

"He died." Meredith said again, her tears coming fast.

"I pulled him off life support and watched the love of my life die, all because the stupid hospital he ended up in was full of idiots who didn't order a brain scan."Meredith said, it was not fair, none of it was fair. Her husband had saved four peoples lives yesterday, and the hundreds before yesterday, but had lost his own in the process of saving others, how was that fair.

"Meredith, I can't, I can't begin to say how sorry I am." Owen said, wrapping his arms around Meredith as she descended into a fit of tears. It wasn't the same, Owens arms, they weren't the same, she'd never feel the same in another person's arms it was not fair. So she moved away nothing would ever be the same.

"I can't I can't breath." Meredith sobbed, even though she could, she just didn't want to, she didn't want to breath in a world that didn't have Derek shepherd in it.

"Slow deep breathes." Meredith heard a voice say but she wasn't sure it was Owen's or the memory of Derek's.

"Does, does Amelia know?" Owen asked.

"No, no one knows." Meredith said, she couldn't bring herself to call Derek's family, she was his family. She was his everything. She needed to spend the last few moments of his life, that was taken way too soon, with him, just with him.

"Zola and Bailey, I couldn't, he was, he had tubes and bandages, he didn't look like their father, I just I couldn't let that be their last memory of their father." Meredith said, it was an agonizing decision, to not let them see him, but she hoped the would one day understand, Bailey would probably not remember the man who loved him so much, and held him first and Zola's memories would fade with time, leaving her with sporadic moments. It was not fair to them and she did not know how to tell them that Daddy, was never coming home again.

"It's okay Meredith." Owen soothed, there were some things a child should not have to see.

"He loved them." Meredith said, because it was all they had left, the love he had for them.

"He loved all of you." Owen said, he did not know what to do for the devastated blonde, crying in front of him, he wished Cristina was still here, but he couldn't let himself think about that. He pulled out his phone and texted Alex to come.

"You need your people, you shouldn't have to go through this alone, we don't want you to go through this alone." Owen said, as his mind turned to Amelia, this was going to kill her.

"Can you tell Amelia." Meredith asked, pleading, she didn't want to see the pain that would wash over Amelia. She couldn't bare to see someone else who loved Derek almost as much as her, fall apart, not when she was still falling, into what seemed like an endless pit. Owen just nodded.

Alex burst into the room, moments later, his face fell when he saw Meredith crying.

"Is she okay?" Alex asked looking at Owen who just shook his head. Meredith was clearly not alright.

"Should we call Derek?" Alex asked, not knowing what he was saying, as Meredith started to sob harder.

"We can't he's dead."She said, looking up at Alex, Owen took the moment to leave the room.

"What?" Alex said, wrapping his arms around Meredith, it felt better than Owen's, but it still wasn't the same it wasn't Derek.

"You shouldn't be here Meredith." Alex said.

"I can't, I don't know where to go, I can't go home, I can't be in the house that he built, where everything is full of him, I can't, it hurts too much." Meredith said.

"It hurts, and all I want to do is talk to Derek and tell him it hurts, I want him, but I can't have him, he's dead." Meredith said, it was jarring, every time she thought of how she felt, since he died, she automatically thought of talking to Derek and then it hit her again, she couldn't. It was like her mind had not caught up yet, these reflexes were to ingrained to disappear like Derek had.

"He was my person." Meredith said, regretting that she had never told him.

"He knew Meredith, he knew." Alex said.

"I just, we had plans and now what, I have to make funeral plans, how am I suppose to do this Alex, how am I suppose to bury the love of my life, the father of my children?" Meredith asked, like she wanted to know, that if Alex had even a shred of an answer it would be enough, but he didn't.

"I don't know." He said a tear falling down his face, Derek wasn't just Meredith's husband to him, he was the guy who had taught him so many lessons, who had driven him to work, who had sat on the couch in his house that used to be Meredith's, and had beer with him.

"I can't do this, I don't think I can do this." Meredith said, expressing her deepest concern. How was she suppose to go on. How was she suppose to exist in a world that no longer included the man she loved. How was she suppose to look her children in the eyes and tell them Daddy died. How was she suppose to raise them, alone. How was she going to tell Derek's Mom, that her own son faced an equally tragic fate as her own husband. How was she suppose to do anything with out him in her life.

She thought about all the things they were going to do. How she finally got him back and now she had lost him forever. She thought of all the more that in an instant had become less and then none. She thought about all the things he would miss, braiding Zola's hair for the first day of school or intimidate Zola's first boyfriend. He would never teach Bailey to ride a bike, or how to shave and he would never get to take Bailey fishing. He would never get buy Zola the car. He would never get to do so many things and she would never get to be held by him again, or hear his voice. She would never get to argue with him, or have raunchy make up sex again. She would never get to feel his breath on her neck, as he leaned in to kiss her, softly, tenderly and lovingly. She would never get to wake up to his morning breath, or feel the graze of his stubble against her cheek. She would never get to feel his hands caress her body. She would never get to grow old with him, to retire with him. He did not get to grow old senile or smelly, or to die at 110 years old in her arms. He would never get to do anything, and she would never get over it, she thought, she would never love again.

"Meredith, it's going to suck, and be terrible and unbearable." Alex said, he was not about to lie to Meredith and tell her it would all be okay, because it would not, it could not.

"That's suppose to make me feel better, because it doesn't it makes this all worse." Meredith said, she wanted to go back to yesterday, morning when everything was fine and not let Derek leave, but she couldn't.

"Meredith, it will be impossibly hard, but you are a strong woman and I know you will find a day when it won't hurt as much as today, when you can breathe with out feeling this pain." Alex said, it was the truth.

Meredith's phone began to buzz, she didn't even look at the screen, she assumed Owen had started to tell people. She couldn't look, she just switched it off. She needed a moment, a moment to process. She just let her mind wonder into itself.

Amelia had just finished a surgery, and was walking out of the operating room, when she saw Owen walking towards her, his face was haunted.

"What's wrong?" Amelia asked, she assumed it was to do with the memories the yesterday's incident had pushed to the front of his mind. Owen just stared at her.

"Amelia we need to talk." Owen said simply. He did not want to do this, be the one to destroy the woman he had feelings for's life.

"Owen, we talked yesterday, you don't want to be with me, I can deal, if you want to be useful go find Derek, I want to go home" Amelia said, walking away irate.

"Amelia," Owen, said, grabbing her arm as she spun around and looked at him, really looked at him for the first time and realized something was very wrong.

"What happened?" She asked her voice soft but trembling with fear, what was he going to say.

"I think we should go somewhere private." Owen said, he didn't want to do this in the halls, with everyone walking past like it was just any other day, because for Amelia today would not be just any other day, it would be the day she discovered her brother had died, it would be the day her world changed again.

"What happened?" Amelia asked louder this time, her voice wavering, the tears starting to well, she could tell this was not good.

"Amelia." Owen tried to sooth.

"What happened." She yelled, as everyone around her, froze, staring at the speculate that hadn't even started to unravel.

"There's been an accident." Owen said quietly.

"What kind of accident." Amelia said, accidents were a common point of play for surgeon, but this accident did not sound like just any old accident.

"Something happened," Owen paused, this was it.

"Derek, was injured." Owen said, as the tears began to come fast and furiously.

"I'm so sorry, Amelia, Derek didn't make it, he died." Owen said as Amelia let out a high pitched wail, that seemed to echo through out the hospital. She started slamming her fists into Owen's chest, as she sobbed, the pain quickly became unbearable. This simply was not fair. Owen wrapped his arms around, the woman he loved, and moved her into the scrub room. The hospital did not need to see one of the worst moments in her life. They did not need to see this, her world crumple around her.

She sobbed into his chest, why was this her life, why did every man she loved die. She needed to escape, escape the pain, dampen her sorrows, mute the pain. She needed something, she need it.

"I can't do this." Amelia said, "I can't, you were right to not want me I am poison."

"You're not poison." Owen said, it was not much, it could not take away the emotions that rippled through her body, he could not make the profound loss, any less, but he could tell her she was not poison, it was not her fault.

"Does, does Meredith know." Amelia sobbed, wiping her tears on the back of her hand.

"She was with him, when he, when he went." Owen said.

"Omigod." Amelia said, she cursed herself for what she had said to Meredith the day before. Meredith had now stood over the person she loved most in the world's dead body, she had lost the thing that mattered most. She knew how it felt.

"Where's Meredith?" Amelia asked, looking at Owen, she needed Meredith she needed to see Meredith.

"She's at the hospital, with Alex, the kids are in daycare, she hasn't told them yet." Owen said, a tear stinging his eye, he felt for Zola and Bailey, it was their father and that loss, was harder to take than most losses.

"I want to see her." Amelia said and Owen nodded.

As Owen opened the door to the conference room, he saw Meredith, sitting on a chair, her legs folded underneath her, her face stained by tears. Amelia just looked at her, the pain inside her grew larger it became real. Derek was gone.

"I'm so sorry Amelia." Meredith's now hoarse voice said.

Amelia, just stared at Meredith, none of this was Meredith's fault, she did not need to be sorry.

"He had, a truck hit him, he saved four freaking people from a car crash and then when he was leaving a truck hit him. They all lived and he died, he died, but he didn't die, they saved his body, he was brain dead and the irony, the slap in the face, cruel life irony is that if had of operated on a person with his injuries, he would have lived." Meredith said, as her tear ducts stung, they were out of tears, but she had not finished crying, she did not think she ever would.

"I can't he was the love of my life. He promised me forever, he said he was going to spend the rest of his life with me." Meredith said, as Amelia sat down next to her, and held her hand.

This was the worst break up ever and it was only just the beginning.

* * *

I had to write this before I could write anything else.

**RIP Derek Shepherd **


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter was really hard to write and is kind of sad. But really important.

* * *

It was an undisputed fact that children of doctor's, were better with the concept of death. It was not a bad thing or a good thing, it was just a thing, just a fact. Children of doctor's, grew up with the concept of death because their parent's occupation made it very hard to shield that aspect of life from their children. They grew up knowing death existed, that people died, that death was a bad thing. A bad thing their parents would spend their days trying to prevent, death was often the reason that their parents were late to pick up them up, or missed dance recitals, or arrived home after bed time. Death existed in their lives. But that did not mean that children of doctor's were any better prepared when someone died, than children not of doctor's. In a way, it was even harder for them to accept, because they had grown up, knowing that doctor's could save lives, they grew up knowing that miracles existed, they grew up with parent's who defied death and that was also the reason they were late to pick them up and missed dance recitals and arrived home after bed time.

Though none of this was of any great use to Meredith in that moment. The moment she stared down at Zola as they played in the park, they had come over here, after Meredith had pulled herself together long enough to talk to Amelia and to work up the courage to tell her children, their father was dead. Meredith was so thankful that Amelia had offered to come, she was not sure if she could do this alone, but Amelia had reminded her, that it would be want Derek would have wanted. Meredith thought Derek would have wanted to be alive, and for Meredith to not be psyching herself up for the conversation that was about to happen. Amelia was looking after Bailey, who was to young to understand death, and in that moment Meredith was not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Though in that moment she was not really sure of anything, except for the fact that Derek was dead, that Zola and Bailey's father would never come home and that she had to tell them, or Zola at least.

"Zola, will you come over here, sweetie, I need to talk to you about something important." Meredith said, as Zola looked up at her, with the child like innocence, that Meredith feared would disappear after this conversation.

"Momma what's wrong?" Zola asked, she knew something was up, she was not a stupid child, she was bright and she knew she had slept in a different hospital last night and that her Mommy was very upset and now her Aunt Amelia was also looking upset.

"Zola, you know how you need to wear a seat belt in the car." Meredith said, she couldn't just jump straight into it.

"Yes, for safety." Zola said, remembering why she had to wear the seat belt that annoyed her.

"That's right, because if we get into a car crash, we don't want you to fly out of your seat." Meredith said a tear forming in her eye, she had promised herself that she would not cry in front of Zola, not just yet, anyway.

"Because then you would get hurt and need surgery." Zola said matter of factually, children of doctor's where also better with the concept of injury.

"Zola sweetie, your Daddy was in a car crash the other day." Meredith said, as Amelia sat down with Bailey next to her, Bailey started to reach for Meredith, so she held him on her lap, sniffing in the calming scent of her baby boy.

"and he got hurt." Meredith said, unable to contain the tear that slid down her face.

"Was he not wearing his seat belt?" Zola asked, scrunching her eye brows together.

"No he was Zola." Meredith said, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall.

"He was Zola, but sometimes car crashes are really bad and even if you are wearing your seat belt, you can still get hurt." Meredith said, as Bailey looked up at her, a concerned look on his face, he knew something was wrong.

"Was the crash Daddy, was in bad?" Zola asked, a child like fear quivered through her voice.

"Yes Zola, it was a really bad car crash."Meredith said.

"Oh."Zola said, looking up at her mother and her Aunt, the tears were already running down Amelia's face.

"Does that mean Daddy needs surgery?" Zola asked.

"Daddy needed surgery," Meredith

"You know how sometimes when someone is really hurt and sick, surgery does not work?"Meredith said as Zola nodded.

"They die." Zola said.

"Well your Daddy was really sick and hurt and even though the surgeons tried really hard." Meredith paused, this was it, the moment her daughters world changed for ever, she took a deep breath.

"He died sweetie." Meredith said, as the tears started to pour and she didn't care she needed to cry.

"Daddy died." Zola said, softly, a tear rolling down her cheek as she crawled on the bench next to Meredith and wrapped her arms around her mother. She knew death was a bad thing, she knew she did not like how it sounded as she repeated the words.

"Yes he did." Meredith said, letting out a sob. This was not fair, Zola had already lost her first two parents, she was orphaned and now she lost her Dad, she was still so little, it was not fair.

"Why?" Zola asked, though it was not really a question.

"Were the surgeons late?" Zola asked, that was a question.

Meredith paused, she wanted to say yes, because the surgeon was late, but it wouldn't help Zola, it would not make what happened any easier and it might not have saved Derek. She did not want Zola to grow up harboring hatred towards the doctors, who did at the end of the day, try their best, even if their best was not good enough, even if their best was not her best or Derek's best or any other doctor at Grey Sloan's best.

"No." Meredith lied, it was the right call, she thought as she looked at Amelia, who was wiping the tears away from her eyes. Bailey crawled into Amelia's lap, so Zola quickly took the vacated spot on Meredith.

"Daddy was just really hurt and they could not save him."Meredith said, that was not a lie.

"So Daddy will never come back." Zola said and Meredith nodded, it hurt so much to admit that.

"No he won't and I am so sorry Zola." Meredith said, gulping down a sob as she saw the tears roll down her daughters face. She was sorry that her daughter would have to feel the grief of losing a parent at such a young age.

"Daddy loved you very much Zola, he loved you and your brother more than anything." Meredith said, rubbing Bailey's back.

"And just because he is gone, doesn't mean he will ever stop loving you, I need you to remember that. Remember that Daddy will always love you." Meredith said, let go of the tears, this was to hard, she needed Derek, but he was gone and that was even harder.

"How did he die?" Zola asked.

"He wasn't in any pain." Meredith assured Zola.

"But how?" Zola asked.

"Did his heart break and stop beating, or did his belly get hurt, or?" Zola paused as Meredith continued to sob, harder.

"You know how your Daddy and I fix brains and heads." Amelia said taking over for Meredith, who she could see was struggling and Zola nodded.

"Well his head was hurt really bad and they couldn't fix it."Amelia said, she had figured as much.

"Oh." Zola said, it all made some sort sense to her now.

"Where is he?" Zola asked.

"He's in heaven." Amelia said, looking over at Meredith for her approval.

"He's up in heaven looking down on you." Amelia continued.

"He's with you Aunt Lexie and your Uncle Mark."

"Sofia's Daddy." Zola said, she had heard stories of her Aunt Lexie and Sofia's Daddy, Uncle Mark, who were both in heaven. But she could not remember them, or them dying.

"Yes Sofia's Daddy, and my Dad, your Daddy's Dad, your Grandpa, he died when I was not much older than you." Amelia said, that daunting realization hit her like a tonne of bricks, it was like history had a cruel sense of humor, and was determined to laugh at the Shepherds.

"So Daddy is in heaven."Zola said, looking at her Mother.

"Yes he is sweetie." Meredith said, she had often struggled with the concept of heaven, the scientist, the doctor, the logical evidence based person, inside her, struggled to believe in it's existence. But the free spirit, the dreamer, the tiny tiny optimist, who could be bright and shiny, on a day other that today, the part that was formed by Derek's belief in fate and miraculous, believed in a heaven and today, there was no struggle, there was only a heaven, where Derek was waiting for her.

"Is heaven nice?" Zola asked.

"It's wonderful," Amelia said, she had always believed in heaven.

"It's full of almost all your favorite things, and none of the things you don't like. There's no work, no one is ever sick and it's like your birthday everyday." Amelia said, that was what her Mom had told her when her Dad died.

"But I'm not there, wasn't I one of Daddy's favorite people?" Zola asked confused.

"You were, you are, but he couldn't take you to heaven with him." Meredith said.

"Why not!" Zola shouted hopping out of Meredith's lap and stamping her feet on the ground.

Usually, Meredith would scolded Zola for misbehaving and acting out, but usually, Zola was not coming to terms with the loss of her father, so Meredith just let it go.

"Because Zola," Meredith reasoned.

"I loved your Daddy very much and he needs you to stay here with me and your brother and your aunt Amelia, because we are really going to miss your Daddy and he didn't want any of us to be alone." Meredith said. He had never wanted her to be alone, if anything should ever happen to him he had wanted her to not be alone, and now that it had, she was so grateful he had made sure she had two someones to keep her company. His children, their children would be the ever lasting memory of him. His legacy, that would out live him. It hurt, just the other day, he had wanted to have more and now they never would.

"Do you miss him?" Zola asked, calming down.

"Yes more than anything." Meredith said as Zola crawled back into her arms, cuddling into her, telling her it would be okay. Zola's arm's weren't Derek's, but they were almost as comforting.

"I miss him too." Zola said.

"That's okay Zola, it is okay to miss him and feel sad, but just remember he will always love you. He loved you." Meredith said.

"We will be okay Momma." Zola said, as Meredith felt her heart break all over again.

"We will, I promise you Zola." Meredith said, even though in the moment, she was not nearly as convinced as her daughter.

Meredith heard Zola mumble something.

"I just told daddy I love him to." Zola said, causing the faintest smile to cross Meredith's face as she saw that the child like innocence was still in Zola's eyes.

All children were more resilient than adults and that was also an undisputed fact. A fact that did help Meredith, in that moment because whilst she was in hell, struggling to process the grief and profound loss that was raging through her body, at least her daughter was able to find some sense of acceptance and at least Derek had made sure that, like he had promised, she would never be alone.

* * *

I think Meredith telling the children Derek is dead will be harder to watch then Derek actually dying. Though I am not sure how the show will approach it. Also I clearly relented and decided to turn this story which I really never intended to be more than a one shot into a multi chapter, just so we are all clear, if you read any of my other two stories, I will try and update all of them regularly and equally, but expect longer delays for each individual story to be updated. Anyway I hope you all found what you were looking for in this chapter, have a nice day.

Cheers,

Lumae


	3. Chapter 3

Next chapter, enjoy, still not sure if that's the right word but I am going with it. -Lumae

* * *

They sat in the park for what seemed like along time, Zola continued to hold on tight to Meredith, wrapping her arms around the only parent she had left. As much as Meredith wanted to stay in the park forever, stay in that moment so she did not have to move into any of the moments that would follow, she could not. Derek's life had ended, but that did not mean hers could, the carousel keeps on turning, Meredith's mothers sage words played in her head. She had to keep on moving with life, into the next moment, and the moment after that. She had the chance to live and she could not disrespect Derek by not taking that chance, by not living, by not moving.

"We have to tell your mother." Meredith said to Amelia as they sat in the conference room together.

"Do you want me to call my Mom?" Amelia asked.

Yes Meredith thought, but she owed Derek this much, she owed her husband's memory this much, to call his mother and tell her, he had died.

"I should do it." Meredith said, it was not fair to put Amelia in that position. Amelia nodded, relieved that she did not have to make that call, because she did not know if she really could. Alex had taken Zola and Bailey to an on call room, to get some sleep, as they didn't get that much the night before. Meredith hadn't slept, for what seemed like forever, but she was scared to sleep, she thought if she just closed her eyes, she would never want to open them again.

"How did she take you father's death?" Meredith asked, she had never asked Derek about his Dad's death, all she knew was what he had offered up on those few rare occasions. She knew that losing a child was not the same as losing the love of your life, it was a whole other kind of pain, still just as raw and pervasive, had always thought Carolyn was a strong woman, strong and resilient, but she feared that this news, may just defeat the kindhearted old lady, there has to be a limit to just how much resilience a person has.

"I don't remember." Amelia said, honestly. She was five at the time and the trauma of seeing her dad die in front of her was all she could remember, not the moments after, not the days that followed, or the months that replaced the days.

"She missed him, she used to cry in the bathroom." Amelia said, recalling a faint foggy memory, of her peering through the crack between the bathroom door and the cool tiled floor. But of course she had missed him, no one, could ever not miss the love of their life who was taken so unjustly.

"Derek helped." Amelia admitted. Derek had really stepped up when their father died. He would help her with her homework,he would tuck her in at night, he would cook dinner and make her laugh and just for a second forget about what happened to their father. He was there for her, and now, now he was gone and who was there for her now. Who was there for her, she did not know, but she knew she had to be there for Meredith and the kids, at was the least she could do, for all the being there he had done and it was the only thing stopping her from dissolving into a million tiny pieces of drug induced oblivion.

"A mother shouldn't have to hear her son died." Meredith said and Amelia nodded, she had lost her own son, but she was sure the pain her mother was about to be hit with, would be a million times worse. She would not see it coming and she had, had years of loving Derek and knowing him. Her son was a person, but she had only known him briefly, and the majority of the time she had known of his existence, she had also known of his doomed fate.

It was strange, Meredith thought, she was about to ring up Carolyn and tell her that the world had changed and that would cause Carolyn's world to change in an instant. The strange thing was, the change had already happened, she had been living in the changed world for hours, blissfully unaware that even though the world seemed like it did yesterday morning, it was not the same world, it was fundamentally different, she just did not know it yet. It was an ironic twist in an unfortunate tale, that was for sure,

Meredith looked at her phone, she couldn't cry anymore, her tear ducts had seemingly run dry, which in a way was good, it meant she could call Derek's mother with out dissolving into a blubbering mess, even if she wanted to, which she did, but she couldn't, she had to be strong, even if it felt like it would kill her, even if she did not feel strong. She scrolled through her phone, and paused at Derek's name, she would deal with that later, or she would not. When she got to Carolyn's name she took a breath in, was this going to be her life, telling people Derek had died, it had certainly been her life since he had died and with every person she told, it did not get any easier. She dialed the number and listened to the phone ring, until it stopped, until she heard Carolyn's voice on the phone.

"Meredith how are you dear." The voice said in such kind caring way.

Meredith quickly hung up, she could not do it. She, Carolyn, had no idea what was about to happen. Meredith had, had to call her before, for bad news, when Derek was shot, after the plane crash, but those times Derek had made it, this time was different, there was no hope, no chance for recovery, he was gone and she did not think she could do this. Why did the universe have to be so horrible.

"She's going to call back." Amelia said, looking at Meredith, her mother was persistent like that, she'd be able to tell that something was wrong.

The phone started to ring almost on cue.

"Are you sure you don't want me to talk to her?" Amelia asked, looking at the phone, shaking in Meredith's hand.

"No, I've just got to do it." Meredith said.

"Put it on speaker." Amelia said, she wanted to hear her mother's voice. Meredith nodded before swiping at the answer image.

"Meredith, did you just try and call me dear?" Carolyn asked, confused, Meredith did not often call her, Derek did and she would talk to Meredith then, further, it was the middle of the day, on a Friday, surely Carolyn thought, Meredith would be at work.

"Hi, Carolyn." Meredith said, Derek's mother had wanted her to call her Mom, and she had previously, but now that Derek was dead, it felt odd thinking about her as her mother in law.

"Meredith, I've told you to call me Mom." Carolyn said, as an unsettling feeling began to dwell in her stomach, something was off.

"Right sorry." Meredith said, this was too hard, why was this her life.

"How are the kids?" Carolyn asked.

"They are fine, great." Meredith said, though was not sure if that was the truth, their father had just died after all, she wasn't fine and she doubted that Zola was really fine, she was defiantly not great. Bailey was not fine, because his mother was not fine.

"We need to talk." Meredith said, she could not keep up the fake small talk.

"Okay." Carolyn said, the unsettling feeling growing with in. Meredith had started a couple of other phone calls like this, and none of them had been bringing great news.

"There was an accident." Meredith said, though accidents were when you bumped into someone, or dinged the side of someones car, or split hot coffee on someone, this was not an accident, it was not minor, it was huge horrific, and cataclysmic in the scheme of life, not a simple accident.

Carolyn, felt her insides swirl, something about the way Meredith said, it, the defeat, the lack of hope that trickled through her voice, told her that this was not going to end well.

"Derek was in an accident, his car was hit by a truck." Meredith said, the injustice screaming through her words.

"He is not okay is he."Carolyn said, she could tell this was not how today was suppose to go, well not how she had imagined it when she woke up.

"No he's not, I'm so sorry, he passed away last night." Meredith said, as a single tear appeared on her face, defying the emptiness.

A wail of agony ricocheted around the room, the desperate cries of a mother who's child had left the earth before her chilled the air. It was not fair, it was not fair for anyone. Was it not enough that she had lost her own husband for no reason all those years ago, why did she have to lose her son as well.

"Mom, it's going to be okay." Amelia said, trying to calm her mother down, even though she was not certain they would be okay. She wanted to hold her, to wrap her arms around her mother and like Zola had.

"Amelia." Carolyn said, her sobs ringing through the phone

"He's really gone, isn't he." Carolyn said.

"Yes he is." Amelia managed to whisper. She did not want to admit it, she wanted to believe he was just in DC, solving the mysteries of the brain, like had been for the months prior. She wanted to believe it was just a nightmare, a hellish delusion fumbling through her unconscious mind, but she was conscious and this was not a nightmare, it was life and it hurt. The pain, had not subsided, her thirst for the pain reliving, reality demolishing, high, she had chased so many times before, raged throughout her body, demanding she fall pray to its seductive pull. She could not, she would not, she would not use her brother's death as a gateway back into her addiction. She would not slip, she silently promised the memory of Derek that.

"Meredith I am so sorry." Carolyn said, she knew how Meredith was feeling in that moment. The magnitude of the loss, was all to familiar. She had carried it for so many years and she had never wished to have to pass it on to her daughter in law. Her son was dead, her child was gone, in an instant the life she had known, no longer existed. Her heart ached not just for Derek but for Meredith too.

"I know." Meredith said, she was going to get sick of people saying they were sorry. Sorry had lost all meaning. It was a word that had lost it's definition, somewhere last night, between the apologetic klutz of a neurosurgeon who had not shown up in time and the bawling doctor who had failed to save her husbands life. Sorry did not do anything for her, it did not take away the pain, it just made the pain seem all the more worse.

"Was he in pain." Carolyn asked, Meredith could hear her sniffs, through the phone.

"No, not in the end."Meredith said, it was one of the few things she could find any semblance of comfort in. He was not in pain, not after the failed surgery.

"That's good at least," Carolyn said, "I am glad he was not in pain."

Meredith and Amelia, could both agree with that sentiment. At least Derek was not in pain, even if all those who loved him, were now in a world of pain.

"So what do we do now?" Meredith asked, the question that had been daunting her all day. What did she do now?

* * *

So the response to this story, has been interesting. I am so very humbled, by the way in which most have you have responded to this story. It is not a sunshine and happiness kind of story, but I hope I do it justice and in some way maybe find some light. Just so we are all very clear, I am not really in the mood for offing myself, I just don't have the time for it, to be quite frank. Seriously if you are going to say something nasty, go for it, but just know that I don't care, and I will post it so everyone can see how unpleasant you are and it appears some of them care. If we are being honest is not about me, it's about you and for some reason you must find such joy in doing this, so I won't deprive you of this, plus most people who act like this are cowards, and why can't you find something better to do with your time. Anyway thanks for reading, please let me now what you think, I'll update again soon.

Cheers Lumae


	4. Chapter 4

So, I've been busy and hopefully I will get to updating my other stories in due course, -Lumae.

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The relationship between love and loss, is a strange one, for one could not exist with out the other. If you never loved something and if one day, it disappeared out of your life, you would not miss it, because you never valued it's existence. If you maybe felt a little but of love, for it, the amount of loss you would feel maybe a little bit of loss if it disappeared. It is suffice to say, that the greater the love, the greater the loss, the more pain and agony one will feel when the thing that meant the most to them, that they loved the most, disappeared. If you never loved, you would never feel the crippling loss, the question is, which is better, never loving or never feeling the pain? Was all the pain and suffering worth it, the simple answer was yes of course, but the truth is, there is nothing simple about the relationship between love and loss, as Meredith had discovered over the course of the day.

She was sitting in the conference room, staring out the window watching as the sun tried to set behind the hills. She was trying to piece together her life, even though the pieces seemed to be warped to much, with no foreseeable chance of repair. Nothing made sense, the world she saw out the window, was not the world she had seen just days before and that scared her. The fact that life could change so quickly and so permanently and there seemed to be nothing she could do to prevent the life altering changes, just like she could not stop the world from spinning. Life moved on, whether she was ready for it or not, and she was defiently not ready to move on. To live in a Derek-less world. She did not even want to believe that world existed but it did.

"Meredith why didn't you call me." Amelia asked, the question had been weighing heavily on Amelia all day. Why had Meredith not called her. She was a neurosurgeon after all, and she was first and foremost Derek's sister and Amelia could not help but wonder why neither of those things seemed to warrant a phone call. She would have like to know. She would have like the option to say goodbye to her brother, but she never got that chance and she could not help but hold Meredith responisible for that.

"Amelia." Meredith said, she did not want to have that conversation today, she knew it was coming. But she did not have an answer, well at least not a simple one. Why was it that she had not called Amelia? It was a valid question, but at the time. It hadn't seemed right.

"I could have saved him." Amelia said, a tear in her eyes, she could have saved her brother, if only she had been given a chance.

"Amelia, he was too far gone and that is why I didn't call you. There were to be no miracles, there was no hope. The love of my life, was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to tubes and machines, too damaged to save. If I had of called you, you would of wanted to try for a miracle and whilst now, we can both try and be irrational and believe that their might have been the possibility of a miracle, we both know, rationally, that sometimes, no matter how pure and endearing our intentions, our hopes, our wishes for miracles are, they don't happen and holding on to that irrational belief, just makes the reality harder." Meredith said, she knew it was harsh but sometimes reality was harsh, like the reality that the love of your life was dead, that was harsh, but still true.

"And then, when you could not save him, that would weigh on you for the rest of your life. He would not have wanted to burden you like that, Amelia. He would not have wanted you to feel small and useless. He was proud of you." Meredith said.

"I could have said goodbye, you took that from me." Amelia said, angry but Meredith might have been right though, she had a point, Amelia did want to believe she could save Derek.

"Amelia, you would have wanted to try and save him. You would not have wanted to let go, I would not have been able to let go. I had to make a descision for Derek, he would not have wanted to be hooked up to a machine, he would not have wanted you to feel guilty, he would not have wanted you to see him like that. I am sorry you did not get to say goodbye, but Amelia, he was not there, it was just a thing that looked like Derek, but it was not Derek, not the Derek we both loved, not the Derek who loved us." Meredith said.

"You said yourself, the other day, that it almost destroyed you, standing over the body of the person you loved most. You came to seattle for a fresh start, this, look at me and tell me, that watching Derek take his last breath would not have destroyed you again, because it destroyed me." Meredith admitted and Amelia knew she was right.

Sometimes, you can not save everything, or everyone. Sometimes goodbye, is not enough, not when it is the last time. Amelia remembered how Derek had said, after he had been shot, that he did not want her to know the pain. He could not protect her, not anymore. The pain of losing part of you world, the pain he never wanted her to feel again, she had felt so many times since. Goodbye was not enough and she knew that, the only thing that would have been enough, was saying hello once more. Her brother was dead, and the pain that threatened to consume her, was unbearable, she looked at Meredith, she was not cross at Meredith, she was not mad at Meredith, she was mad at life, angry at fate. She was angry at love and how it drew you in, even though nine times out of ten, love obliterated your world. But it would not be love, if it did not threaten to destroy you, Amelia thought, remembering the last sage words of wisdom her brother had offered her, he was right, it would not be love, if it did not threaten to destroy you.

"Amelia, I don't think I can go home." Meredith finally admitted.

"Well you can't stay here for the rest of your life." Amelia said, bluntly, Meredith had been blunt with her, so she was returning the favor.

Amelia had a point, she could not stay in that moment for the rest of he life. She had to move, she had to leave, she had to go somewhere. She just did not want to go home. Home was a place where Derek existed, where his essence was encased in the very walls that held the roof up. He had put his heart and soul into building the house. She did not know if she would survive going home, knowing that Derek would never be there again. She did not think she could walk in the door and see his shoes, lined up, or his coat hanging on the coat stand, or his toothbrush sitting by the sink, with his after shave and hair products that she used to mock. She did not want to go home, to his washing in the dryer, and his pajamas under his pillow, on his side of the bed and the journals he had been reading, still opened to the last page he read. She could not bare to go home, to a house full of his things that he would never go home to.

"Zola and Bailey need their routine. They need something, Meredith." Amelia reasoned.

It was true, Zola and Bailey's world was no longer the same and they needed all they could grab on to. They needed their own beds and their toys and their routine. They needed to know that even though their father had died, the world they had known had not completely disappeared. That it still existed, even if it existed without their father. Meredith just did not know if she could do it, provide them with what they needed, she did not know if she was strong enough, to walk back through the door.

"It's just, home is full of memories." Meredith finally admitted.

"Memories aren't something to hide from, Meredith." Amelia said.

"Memories are what you get to keep, Derek's existence is now memories, don't hide from what was a good marriage, don't hide from the memories of making love, of fighting, of making up, of sitting on the couch drinking wine and talking about your day. Don't hide from the memories of Derek because they are all we have left and not remembering Derek would be a cruel and unusual punishment. Derek is worth remembering, he was worth the pain you are feeling now. You would be in this pain, if he was not worth it. Love and loss, you would never lose if you never loved." Amelia said.

Meredith sighed, the relationship between love and loss is much like the relationship between life and death. Life is meaningless without death, in a way death gives life meaning. Love, loss, life, death, they are things surgeons are confronted with on a daily basis, but at the end of the day, it does not make them any better at figuring out the balance and finding their way back. Derek had lived a life that was worth something, worth remembering, worth mourning the loss of love. He was worth it, she could mourn, but she still had to move forward. She was going home.

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So, yeah. Anyway, to the people who seem to enjoy following my stories round and posting crap about them, it's getting old and boring, just saying and by the way, this has never been a story about Derek living, so I am not sure why you feel the need to compare the outcome to stories where Derek does live. Thanks for the reviews, have a nice day.

Cheers,

Lumae


End file.
